Pump Up Your Book Chats with Raquel Whiting Gilmer, author of ‘Crumbs Aren’t Enough’

Hi, my name is Raquel Whiting Gilmer and I am a wife, daughter, aspiring mother (I don’t have any kids yet but I want them.), sister, friend, small group leader, lawyer, entrepreneur, confidant, advisor, blogger, twitter attempter, soon to be published author, and accepter of crumbs. Well, a recovering crumbs accepter. What’s a crumb accepter? Is it as bad as it sounds? It’s bad, but it’s preventable and curable.

Freedictionary.com defines a crumb as a small fragment, scrap, or portion. And it defines accepter as one who accepts. So a crumbs accepter is one who accepts small scraps. No bueno, right? How did I get like this? Well, I think my low self-esteem was the root cause of it. And I’ve learned that when your self-esteem is bad then you will accept anything including crumbs in all areas of your life. BTW, my biggest crumbs area was definitely my relationships with men.

Things are different now and I have committed myself to Live Crumbs Free. Live crumbs free? Yes, I am committed to not accepting crumbs in any area of my life. But to get to this point, I had to do some work. I first had to work on my self-esteem. And after lots of therapy I got to a place where not only did I have high self-esteem but I started a website, www.perfectlyme.com, and a girls’ program, Perfectly Me Girls to encourage other women and girls to embrace and love who they are and not judge themselves by the world’s standards. Our motto is I’m not perfect, I’m just Perfectly Me.

Once my self-esteem was on the rise, I could start to look at the crumbs in my life. And I knew I had to deal with my personal crumbs and I’m happy to report that after many failed relationships and mounds of crumbs, I met the love of my life and married him. Yay!!! I have the full meal and then some now and it has changed my life. I want everyone to have that full meal and I know how bad the crumbs are so I’ve written my first novel about a woman struggling with relationships who finally figures out that Crumbs Aren’t Enough. I hope you will read my blog at www.raquelwhiting.com, check out my novel, and follow me on twitter, @perfectlyraquel, as I dole out advice and wisdom (my limited wisdom) on keeping your self-esteem high and getting rid of the crumbs.

Q: Can you tell us why you wrote your book?

A: I was inspired to write this novel because of my own personal relationship challenges.  Like Charlie, the main character, I accepted a lot of crumbs from men I dated.  I had lots of crappy relationships and I couldn’t figure out why.  This went on for years.  I wanted to have a great relationship, I wanted to get married, but I couldn’t seem to attract the right guys or develop positive romantic experiences.  Then, I found an amazing therapist who helped me change my life.  Throughout the therapy process, I learned that a big part of my problem was that I didn’t think “I was good enough.”  Not even good enough for the crappy men I was dating.  This feeling was the direct result of my low self-esteem.  My self-esteem was low for a lot of reasons and if you are interested in hearing more please contact me at raquelwhiting.com.  But, needless to say I didn’t feel good about myself and that needed to change.  I had to build myself up before I could even think about getting involved with anyone romantically.   When I finally got to that place of feeling good about myself and knowing that I was “good enough,” I could start attracting the right relationships.  I don’t think I was alone in this struggle.  In fact, I’ve watched some of my friends go through the same battle.  So I wanted to share with women some of the lessons I learned during my journey to self-love and acceptance.  I want others who are in crappy relationships to know that there is a different way.  They can have better relationships and they should demand them.  I’ve had people ask me why I didn’t write a self-help book or a memoir instead of a novel.  My answer is always the same – while I am passionate about helping women feel better about themselves and hence attract the right relationships, I am not an expert and I don’t ever want to give people the impression that I have all the answers.  But, I believe I am a great storyteller and I hope the story that is weaved in Crumbs Aren’t Enough will help other women get to the place where they are seeking out the best relationships.  I hope women can relate with Charlie and learn from her clear mistakes.  She is such a fun woman and she is easy to love – and when you love her, you want the best for her.

Q: Which part of the book was the hardest to write?

The hardest part of the book to write was definitely the relationship between Charlie and Stephen Covington. You see, 80% of the characters in Crumbs Aren’t Enough are based on my real life friends and people with whom I’ve come in contact.  For example, the character Ryan is based on my best friend Peter who is just as awesome as Ryan is in the novel. I am thinking about writing a novella on Ryan’s adventures in Hong Kong. He is such a great character. Everyone loves him!   One character I developed from my imagination was Stephen Covington. And it was difficult. He’s such a jerk and I struggled with writing those scenes because I felt Charlie’s pain. It’s funny, I have been asked by readers a lot if he is based on a real person. Just the other day this happened, and when I explained that he was completely fictional, my friend said that the pain from that relationship was so vividly developed that she was shocked that he was fictional.

Q: Does your book have an underlying message that readers should know about?

A: If I had to wish one thing for every reader of Crumbs Aren’t Enough, it would be that each finished the book and determined that he or she doesn’t need to accept crumbs in relationships — readers realize they deserve the full meal and should demand it! Always! A reviewer at Bibliotica.com wrote “Crumbs Aren’t Enough should be required reading for every woman who has ever not loved her job, not chosen the right man, and not been pleased with her own body.” I was so excited when I read this because it meant I had accomplished what I set out to do.

Q: Do you remember when the writing bug hit?

I actually didn’t get hit with the writing bug until I decided to write a novel. What made me write a novel?  Let me tell you, during this close to six-year journey, I have asked myself this question many times.  It all started in the summer of 2007.  I had on my heart to start a website, perfectlyme.com, to encourage people (mostly women and girls) to love themselves despite what others might consider flaws and imperfections.  I got the website up by the end of August and started blogging.  While writing content for the site, I started to think about my own journey to self-acceptance.  And I started to feel the pull to write a book to share that journey.  My first title was “My Journey to Perfectly Me.”  But, despite the title, I didn’t want it to be a memoir or self-help book.  I wanted it to be fiction based on my life.  I wanted to be able to change the names and embellish or play down events where I wanted to in order to drive my point home.  If you want to really get a sense of my original thought, check out the Crumbs Aren’t Enough prologue, which I wrote from my perspective not the perspective of the main character, Charlie.

I started writing right after Thanksgiving 2007.  It seemed so easy.  I finished a chapter every couple of weeks.  I couldn’t believe people made such a big deal about writing a novel, I was killing it.  I finished the first draft in early May 2008 and I thought I was done.  I decided to change the name to “Perfectly Me?”  At the time, my story was so personally infused in the novel that I wanted to carry on the Perfectly Me brand.  My friend, Allyson Jones, graciously offered to read it and provide editorial comments for me.  (Thank God she did.  She started me on my way to the novel I am about to release.)  I happily accepted.  I thought it would be great to have another set of eyes on my masterpiece.  Remember, I thought I was finished.  So I expected mere grammatical changes nothing more.  I just knew that my story line, character development, and plot development were perfect.  You know what they say, pride goeth before the fall.  When she returned the edits to me, I fell hard.  There was so much blue ink.  I am sure Allyson, an acupuncturist and professor at Tai Sophia, used blue ink to make it look less aggressive but I felt sick.  A lot of her changes were developmental and I was not prepared for that at all.  She shockingly wanted more dialogue where all I had done was narrate the scene.  She wanted more development around the characters’ personalities.  The reason I said shockingly was because I realized after getting her feedback that I hadn’t even read a novel in years so I was probably the least suited person to write one.  Lucky for me, I had just quit my job so I had some time to do all of the work required.

Ok, so I had just quit my job and I wasn’t starting my new job until three months later.  I figured this was perfect.  I would have three months to wrap up this final draft.  I knew it would be hard but I was committed to knocking it out.  I treated the novel like it was my job.  I woke up every morning showered and headed to the coffee shop.  I usually worked at the Firehouse in the Canton Square Baltimore, MD.  I would work for eight hours and then go home and have dinner.  I finished what I again believed was the final draft within that time period.  I felt confident this time.  I had developed the characters more, expanded the dialogue, and set the scenes appropriately.  I was so happy and I celebrated by hanging out with a friend at Grand Cru and then visiting my friend Traci at Pazo.  I started my new job and I excitedly waited for Allyson’s feedback on my masterpiece.  Two months later, Allyson returned that draft with almost just as much red ink.  I was again devastated.  I couldn’t believe that after all of my dedicated hard work, I was back to the drawing board again with significant work to do.  The difference this time was I had a new job that was very demanding.  So now I basically had a second job.  I had to excel at my day job which was almost like having a job and a half and work on revising my novel in the evenings and on weekends.  It took me another year to complete the third draft.  Allyson and I worked together on the fourth draft, editing it together.  It felt complete finally.  It had been four years and I was ready to share my “baby” with the world.  But it wasn’t time yet.

I didn’t finally “give birth” until two years and two drafts later. I am very proud of the end product but it was a long process as you can see.

Q:  Would you like to tell us about your home life?  Where you live?  Family?  Pets?

I live in Baltimore with my awesome husband Michael. We don’t have any kids yet but we are currently working toward adopting our first child.  We were married three years ago and we’ve had it on our hearts to adopt.  We are currently going through the foster/adoptive parent training through the Baltimore City Department of Social Services.  We hope to have a little one in our home by this time next year.

Q:  Can you tell us a little about your childhood?

I grew up in Baltimore with my mom, Rita Whiting. She is a great mom who worked really hard to give me an opportunity to succeed.  She worked two jobs and sacrificed to send me to excellent schools.  Even though times were tough a lot, my mom taught me from a young age that no matter how little we had, we always had something to give.  So she instilled in me a commitment to community service from a young age. I volunteered in tutoring programs, served as a candy striper in the emergency room of an inner city hospital, and worked at a homeless shelter for women.  I knew from a young age that I wanted to have purpose and meaning in my life.

Q: Where’s your favorite place to write at home? 

I am lucky. I have a great home office. It gets lots of light and I have a big desk. I love writing while listening to the Cocteau Twins and George Winston. I have a ritual. I burn Way Out Wax Clear Head candles which help me focus or at least I think they help me focus and I using start playing Heaven or Las Vegas by the Cocteau Twins.  This is usually my husband’s queue that I’m serious and he shouldn’t disturb me.

Q: What do you do to get away from it all?

I’m super lucky, after lots of crumbs I am so happy to have a wonderful husband.  We love to spend time at my friend Peter’s lakehouse in Lake Anna, Virginia. When we are there, we go for long walks in the woods and spend a lot of time swimming.  This is where we have the most fun.

Q: What is the most frustrating part of being an author?

The most frustrating part for me is basically not being able to write full time. My typical day usually includes about 9-10 hours at work. I am an executive at a K-12 education company and it’s a pretty demanding job. I have to work hard to fit in time for writing. I spoke to another writer recently and she told me how she writes during her lunch break. I felt so jealous because I am usually on conference calls or in meetings during lunch so I don’t get that daytime writing. When I get home, I have dinner and get to work on my passion, writing. I wish I could write all day. Charlie has more to tell and I want to make sure I get it out quickly.

Q: Thank you so much for this interview, Raquel Whiting Gilmer.  Do you have any final words?

If I had to wish one thing for all readers of Crumbs Aren’t Enough, it would be that they finished the book and determined that they don’t need to accept crumbs in their relationships — they realize they deserve the full meal and should demand it. Every time! A reviewer at Bibliotica.com wrote “Crumbs Aren’t Enough should be required reading for every woman who has ever not loved her job, not chosen the right man, and not been pleased with her own body.” I was so excited when I read this because it meant I had accomplished what I set out to do.

 

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