Pump Up Your Book Chats with Humor Author Noah Baird

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Noah Baird wanted to attend the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College, but his grades weren’t good enough (who knew?). However, his grades were good enough to fly for the U.S. Navy (again, who knew?), where he spent 14 years until the government figured out surfers don’t make the best military aviators. He has also tried to be a stand-up comedian in Hawaii for Japanese tourists where the language barrier really screwed up some great jokes. On the bright side, a sailboat was named after the punchline of one of his jokes.

He has several political satire pieces published on The Spoof under the pen name orioncrew. Noah received his bachelors in Historical and Political Sciences from Chaminade University, where he graduated magna cum laude. He knows nothing about hoaxing Bigfoot. Donations to Clarity is his first novel.

You can visit his website at www.noahbaird.com or his blog at www.noahbaird.wordpress.com.

Connect with him at Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Noah-Baird-Writer/100193913390453.

About Donations to Clarity

The plan was simple: hoax bigfoot, then sell tours to bigfoot enthusiasts. The plan wasn’t brilliant, and neither were Harry, Earl, and Patch. The three chemical-abusing friends only wanted to avoid the 9 to 5 rat race, but their antics attract the attention of a real bigfoot. When the misogynistic Earl is mistaken for a female bigfoot by the nearsighted creature and captured; it is just the beginning of their problems.

The U.S. Government has a plan to naturalize the mythical creatures living within the U.S. borders. The problem is the plan needs to be carried out carefully. You can’t just drop little green men and Sasquatch in the middle of Walmart without warning Ma and Pa Taxpayer. The naturalization program is not ready to be set into motion, and the rogue bigfoot is bringing too much attention to itself, including a feisty investigative reporter who uncovers the truth of the government conspiracy and two bigfoot researchers. No longer able to contain the situation, government agents are tasked with eliminating the bigfoot and all witnesses.

Between bong hits and water balloon fights, Harry and Patch come up with a plan to save Earl and the lovestruck bigfoot. Where do you hide a giant, mythical creature? In an insane asylum, because who is going to listen to them?

Along the way, the three friends learn Star Wars was a government training film for children, the truth behind Elvis meeting President Nixon, and the significance of the weight of the human turd.

Thank you for this interview, Noah. What a hilarious premise for a book! How did you ever come up with the idea to write this?

Noah: I don’t tell a lot of people this, but I feel like we have a connection. The book is an autobiography. I hoaxed Bigfoot so I could open a Bigfoot tour company. I was captured by a Bigfoot because, I can only assume, he thought I was a female Bigfoot. Bigfoot tried to make his sex slave, but I escaped with the help of the world’s only Julian Lennon impersonator. It’s all true.

Harry, Earl and Patch are a hoot! How did they all meet for the first time? Were they high school buddies?

Noah: Harry and Patch grew up together and went to college together. I don’t write about how they knew Earl. I couldn’t decide if Earl was a guy they grew up with or if they met him after college.

By your premise, it sounds like all three were unemployed. Why didn’t they have jobs?

Noah: Well, they had jobs – in a sense – they were hoaxing Bigfoot to start a Bigfoot tour company. They were also being paid by government agents to hoax Bigfoot because their hoaxes would discredit any actual sightings of Bigfoot. They didn’t have normal jobs because they were perpetual screw-ups. I wanted to write characters who had potential, but had no drive or ambition. The characters needed to be at the bottom of the societal food chain to think a Bigfoot tour company was a good idea. An engineer isn’t going to quit his career to hoax Bigfoot. I felt the characters should be smart enough to be enjoyable, but have idle hands. Who else would want to start a Bigfoot tour company?

One of the big questions which led to this book was: Why would anyone hoax Bigfoot? I did some research on Bigfoot hoaxing. It seems most do it for some sort of fame and notoriety. Even though it’s realistic; I thought that was too limiting, too one-dimensional for the book. I brainstormed and came up with an alternate reason: a Bigfoot tour company.

So the plan was to find Bigfoot and make lots of money from it. Their plan backfired somewhat. Can you tell us what happened?

Noah: A lot of things happen. A real Bigfoot falls in love with the hoaxed Bigfoot. Bigfoot investigators come to investigate the alleged incidents (There really are Bigfoot investigators. I didn’t make that part up. There are people who investigate Bigfoot sightings for a living). While this is all happening, the U.S. government has been suppressing information on all of the mythical creatures living within our borders. The real Bigfoot has been seen too often, so agents have been tasked with dispatching him.

Can you give us an excerpt of when Bigfoot mistakes Earl for a female Bigfoot?

Noah: Sure. This piece is Bigfoot’s point of view. I wrote Bigfoot as a very misogynist character. I wanted to stay away from the typical scary Bigfoot characters. So I wrote the character as if he were a man who was not raised in society. I thought of how I might behave if I was never taught to respect woman and watch what I say, etc.

“Saw most beautiful She-Bigfoot in the world today! Bigfoot so excited. Bigfoot need some fresh blood in his life. Tired of She-Bigfoot around here. She-Bigfoot around here way too comfortable. No problem making comment about Bigfoot. Liked better when we don’t know each other well. Everyone still polite. Bigfoot polite because want to mate with She-Bigfoot. Do whatever take. Make small talk. Take bath. Pick flower. No eat skunk for a while. Leave whiskey alone. She-Bigfoot polite because no want to mate with Bigfoot. Maybe She-Bigfoot does want mate. Who the fuck knows what She-Bigfoot want? Never figure out.
After make big mate. She-Bigfoot get comfortable with relationship. Bigfoot no like. Like Bigfoot semen stimulate bitch-gland. Not enough if Bigfoot make She-Bigfoot orgasm. Bigfoot found human magazine article – Your 12 Erogenous Zones.
She-Bigfoot and human female have same erogenous zones. Who knew? Not sure about human male. Not really care. Know where Bigfoot erogenous zone is. Why we have one and female have 12? Not fair. So many zones and not want to mate. If Bigfoot have 12 erogenous zones; Bigfoot never leave den. Bigfoot play with one erogenous zone too much as it is.
Not really matter if Bigfoot give She-Bigfoot orgasm. She-Bigfoot still going to want to improve Bigfoot. She-Bigfoot want little more. Never satisfied. Bigfoot orgasm, She-Bigfoot orgasm; good times for everyone. Not She-Bigfoot. Penetration, no matter how slight, start Bigfoot improvement cycle. Sometime, She-Bigfoot stop in middle of mate because not comfortable with relationship. Say not happy with relationship. Say relationship not going in direction She-Bigfoot want. Say no want be good-time girl. Bigfoot like good-time girl. Not see problem. Bigfoot want to stay with good-time girl. Bigfoot not want to stay with not-happy-with-relationship girl. She-Bigfoot say want Bigfoot to want She-Bigfoot. Then say not sure want serious relationship with Bigfoot. Then why bring it up with Bigfoot? Bigfoot not want to be Bigfoot of dreams, so Bigfoot okay if she not sure about serious relationship with Bigfoot. Bigfoot want to mate and not talk about it.
Once, She-Bigfoot peed in Bigfoot bed. Bigfoot no like, but Bigfoot notice She-Bigfoot no complain if She-Bigfoot embarrassed. She-Bigfoot not want to tell Bigfoot all his problem after she sleep in own piss. Try make She-Bigfoot drink lot of water before sleep. Not sleep too close.
Try not to make She-Bigfoot orgasm. Maybe if She-Bigfoot not satisfied, then no want improve Bigfoot. Not work. Want improve Bigfoot and improve Bigfoot technique. Bigfoot no want to hear sex technique need help. She-Bigfoot penis flytrap.
Anyhoo, new She-Bigfoot skinny. Not big like other She-Bigfoot. Most She-Bigfoot big as Bigfoot. Bigfoot no like. Bigfoot say equal to or lesser than. Tired of big She-Bigfoot. Bigfoot need to watch mouth around big She-Bigfoot. One She-Bigfoot kick Bigfoot ass. Bigfoot no like. Bigfoot only say want to mate with She-Bigfoot and She-Bigfoot friend. Not see what problem. She-Bigfoot and friend always tickling and kissing on each other when Bigfoot find fermented apples. Bigfoot included She-Bigfoot. Not left out. She-Bigfoot punched Bigfoot right in face. All forest creatures laugh. Deer still laugh at Bigfoot. Deer fast. Bigfoot no can catch. Hope skinny She-Bigfoot no can hit hard. Why She-Bigfoot always want to hit Bigfoot?
Only weird thing. New She-Bigfoot smell funny. Not like other She-Bigfoot. Like new She-Bigfoot bathe in perfume and horse piss.”

Is Donations to Clarity your first book?

Noah: Yes

Do you have plans to write more books in the future?

Noah: Yep. I’m working on a couple of projects.

If you could give my readers one word of advice on what to do when you come upon Bigfoot in the wilderness, what would that be?

Noah: My Bigfoot likes peanut butter and banana sandwiches, cigarettes, and whiskey. He’s not a big fan of the healthy trail mixes. Carry the kind with chocolate and peanuts.

Thank you so much for this interview, Noah. Do you have any final words?

Noah: Thank you for the interview, and I hope you enjoyed the book. If you haven’t read it; go out and buy it!

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Question of the Day

How do you make sales happen for you?

A lot of hard work! I sponsor a lot of on line parties, festivals and contests. Book sales don’t magically happen, believe me. An author has to work hard to earn her readers. And then she has to work hard to keep them by giving them something they’ll enjoy reading. I try hard to make my books worth a reader’s time.

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